“Please, Father, for the sake of my children,
please stop giving Communion to unmarried
people who are living together as husband and wife.”

On giving Communion to cohabiters

By Lisa Marie Contini

Dear Father,

I want to start my letter by thanking you for all you have done for my family. We haven’t forgotten your kindness and your wisdom, and perhaps it is time to tell you that we never will forget. You have played an important part in our lives, especially in our journey to Eternal Life.

It has meant so much to my husband and me to bring our babies to you for Baptism. Your words regarding the meaning of this Sacrament clung to our hearts and ultimately helped us to take our responsibility as Christian parents more seriously. And, I’ll never forget the butterflies in my stomach each time one of our children entered the confessional for the very first time. Thanks to your welcoming invitation to Jesus’ forgiveness, our children have never feared confessing their sins. Each of our children’s First Holy Communion was also a day to be treasured. You were so careful in making sure they were properly prepared, in making sure they understood that their hearts were to become living tabernacles for Jesus. I know how you must have shared their joy—and ours—the moment Jesus first entered their precious little hearts.

I hope then, Father, you can understand that my heart is heavy in asking for something more of you, when you have already given so much. This is not a request that I want to make, but rather one that is compelled not only by conscience, but also in a real sense, by my children, due to the fine instruction they received from you about receiving the Eucharist worthily.

You see, Father, it has happened a couple of times now that my 10-year old daughter has tugged at my arm while you were still distributing Our Precious Lord in Communion, and asked me if a particular communicant had married yet. Needless to say, I was utterly shocked both times it happened. My daughter had recognized the communicant, a woman who is unmarried and living in sin with a member of the opposite sex. The lady’s child born out of wedlock, needless-to-say, is an obvious indication of her sin against chastity.

You know that my husband and I are not ones to stick our noses in other people’s business, but certainly you must be aware that we would know some of these cohabiting parishioners. My husband and I have never made it a point to tell the children which couples are married and which are not. But children are observant, and when they ask, my husband and I feel obligated to tell them the truth. Certainly, we always try to make a good lesson out of it: we try to remind them that people have different weaknesses, and that God forgives all kinds of sin.

But, Father, what can we tell our children when they specifically ask, “Why is Father giving her Communion when she is living with a man she isn’t married to?” At first it worked to tell them that you probably didn’t know that the person is unmarried. But Sunday after Sunday as we leave the church after Mass, the children have watched you greet dozens of parishioners by name and they have heard you ask about the welfare of a family member or about the status of a family project. They are convinced that you know your flock. And they really don’t believe that you don’t know about the living arrangements of these cohabiting couples.

Please forgive me for being so straightforward, Father, but this is really posing a very difficult problem for my husband and me, and especially for our children. You see, our combined efforts (yours and ours) to instill in the children reverence for the Blessed Sacrament have paid off, and they understand that people living in the state of serious sin are not supposed to receive the Eucharist. While our children also know that Christ commands us not to judge the hearts of others, they recognize nonetheless, that, objectively speaking, cohabitation is a mortal sin.

Unfortunately, your knowingly distributing Communion to unmarried cohabiting individuals is sending a very dangerous message to my children. A message that says, “Premarital sex is not a big deal. After all, even people who live together can still go to Communion!”

Please, Father, for the sake of my children, and for the sake of all the children in the parish—to protect their purity—please stop giving Communion to unmarried people who are living together as husband and wife. By doing so, you are placing my children in moral danger. Our older children are entering their teen years, and, as you know, my husband and I are diligently trying to reinforce the importance of safeguarding their virginity until marriage, but your distribution of the Blessed Sacrament to cohabiters is sending a very mixed message. Because of this dichotomy our children could lose both their reverence for the Blessed Sacrament and their reverence for the sacredness of the marriage bed. Please, Father, please don’t give Communion to unmarried people who cohabit!

I know that the position I am asking you to take may provoke confrontations, and may require great strength on your part. While I know that we lay people often ask a great deal of our priests, I believe that Jesus himself expects priests to endure certain trials. Above all, I would think that Jesus wants priests to safeguard his Precious Body and his Precious Blood from defilement. On your encouragement my husband and I have read the lives of the Saints with the children, and have learned how many of them preferred even death rather than allow the Sacrament to be defiled. I know that your taking a stand to protect the Blessed Sacrament will leave a lasting impression on the children of the parish; in fact, I believe it will be a tremendous example for us adults as well.

Saint Paul made it very clear that those who partake of the Eucharist while in the state of serious sin “bring judgment upon themselves” (1 Cor. 11:27-29). Perhaps you recall me once asking you exactly what that means. You explained that when people receive the Eucharist unworthily, they actually condemn themselves. They are sending themselves to Hell. If I know that an associate’s sinful lifestyle may be threatening his prospect for Eternal Life, I feel a moral obligation to try to be a beacon of truth and hope. I personally make it a point to try to tell this person, gently and lovingly, that a particular aspect of his behavior is displeasing to God, and why. Don’t priests have a similar responsibility? Isn’t each soul too precious to lose, even a soul that may be condemning himself? Besides, many Catholics are poorly schooled in our faith, and may not truly understand this teaching. Please, Father, for their sakes and ours, won’t you gently remind them?

I know that some people would frown on my suggestion, claiming it would be better for cohabiting couples to realize on their own that what they are doing is wrong, and to approach a priest for counsel when they feel ready. I have a problem with this pastoral approach primarily because it renders the pulpit impotent. Jesus Christ calls priests to teach all of us, not just the few who ask. Considering the widespread nature of this sin in today’s immoral climate, it seems unconscionable for a priest not to remind his congregation frequently from the pulpit that premarital sex is a serious sin. And also, Father, what will happen to the soul of one of these cohabiters, who happens to die without seeking forgiveness? Certainly, we must acknowledge that this person may find himself in Hell. Aren’t these souls too precious to risk? I have heard that at least 90% of all Catholic engaged couples in our diocese are already living together as husband and wife. Certainly our young people (and their parents!) need to be reminded over and over again that God demands chastity. It may not be a popular subject to preach about, but certainly, a necessary one!

I can’t help but think that some priests would recoil from my request, claiming that it would be wrong to embarrass these cohabiting individuals by publicly forbidding them the Eucharist. I agree there is a risk of embarrassing people. But what about the risk of corrupting the innocent children in the congregation who become confused about God’s will for chastity because they see you give the Blessed Sacrament to cohabiters? Surely the possibility of “leading little children astray” (Matt. 18:7) outweighs the concern of embarrassing people who may be already lost to sin! And perhaps, Father, public embarrassment would be just the thing to turn some of these people away from premarital sex. In any case, I think you could avoid the issue of embarrassment almost entirely if you were to warn the congregation a few weeks in advance, that you intend to refuse the Eucharist to those unmarried people you know to be living together.

Of course, there always exists the possibility that one such individual may have put an end to the illicit living arrangements without telling you, and may have gone to confession with another priest, prior to approaching you for Communion. I have visited other parishes and have on occasion witnessed the hushed exchange of a few words between the priest and the communicant. A couple of times, the communicant returned to the pew without having received Holy Communion. I certainly cannot claim that the communicant did not experience any embarrassment, but the event was handled so discretely and respectfully that it did not come across as scandalous in the least. And since most people are either in line awaiting Communion, or in prayer after receiving Communion, only a small portion of the congregation would actually be in a position to witness the incident. I, for one, truly appreciated the priest’s commitment and courage to defend the Blessed Sacrament, and I am convinced that members of our parish would be equally impressed to witness the same demonstration of commitment from you.

Father, I sincerely thank you for hearing a mother’s humble and desperate plea. It has been truly heart-wrenching for me not to be able to protect my children from the secular lures of premarital sex, even within the walls of the Church. I know that you understand the concerns I have expressed in this letter and that you will do your part to safeguard the moral formation of all the children in the parish.

May Jesus bless and protect you always.

Very sincerely yours in Christ,

Mrs. Lisa Marie Contini

Mrs. Lisa Marie Contini, wife and homeschool mother of three children, is a pro-life leader in her community and a vocal opponent of classroom sex education. She addresses high school and college students on abortion, chastity and other pro-life topics. Mrs. Contini’s articles have appeared in various Catholic and pro-life periodicals. She operates Altheia Press (P. O. Box 5403, McAllen, TX 78502), featuring pamphlets designed for youth about morality. Her last article in HPR appeared in January 2001.