Only a global view such as that offered
by Catholicism can present
the richness and vitality of human relationships.

The Jubilee Year and relationships
By Bevil Bramwell

n In his papal bull dealing with the Jubilee Year, Incarnationis Mysterium, Pope John Paul II said that “to pray in order to gain the indulgence means to enter into this spiritual communion and therefore to open oneself totally to others”(Art. 10). He speaks of “purification of memory” and of conversion as part of being open to others. And he calls for us to be sensitive to the workings of the Spirit in our families, our communities and our nations. This means that relationships are to be a central focus in this time of Jubilee.

Throughout the centuries, the Catholic Church has safeguarded fundamental notions about human relationships. Within the Catholic Tradition the most central aspects of relationship have been passed on, sometimes as homilies, sometimes as teaching and sometimes as the key to explain some other aspect of Catholicism but always the teaching has been there.

I raise the issue because of the many oversimplified and hence problematic approaches to relationship that are current. For example, it is popularly believed that relationships depend on technique: “here are five things that every relationship needs,” or “what every woman wants in a relationship,” or “relating to your kids.” While these approaches might contain some wisdom, they need a foundation that presents the true meaning of relationship.

Another problem is understanding relationships as “getting what you want.” Or relationships might be limited by the view that people are merely consumers or targets for new products. Once again the view of human relationship contains a grain of truth—of course people consume products—but it is a hollow view of what it means to be human. Some video games offer a particularly sterile (one might say subhuman) view of relationships. When the “other person” (the one who appears on the screen), is merely a target or a threat to be obliterated then the fullness of who the “other” is, is lost. This untrue image of the other person opens the way for the player of the game to work with them in a diminished way, to view them as objects and sadly even to take their life in the “game.”

Relationships that desensitize us
If we play games that simulate killing then inevitably they will shape us. Now obviously people can play games and apparently be unaffected by them, at least on the level that they will not go out and repeat the actions done in the game. But simulating certain actions (as happens in games) does desensitize the players and develop certain habitual responses. The result is a lower barrier to the behavior exercised in the game. Military science has known this for centuries and so has insisted that bayonet drill be repeated thousands of times so that sticking a bayonet into another human being can be done without hesitation. The gundecks of wooden warships were painted red to prepare the gunners crews for the sight of blood. Again I must emphasize that other factors such as psychological state contribute to the final outcome of any action.

The lowering of certain kinds of behavioral barriers is a vast industry. Just type “simulated weapons training” into a web search engine and you will discover just the tip of the iceberg. Simulation has been an important part of training pilots to work with a particular combination and geometry of instrumentation in an aircraft. They learn to act automatically in response to the environment in the plane and outside. But this training is done outside of the military as well. Student lawyers simulate defending and hearing cases. Student teachers practice teaching in front of their fellow students. What they do decides what they become and how they will function in their future lives.

Even secular literature is aware that what we do is what we become. Shakespeare has Hamlet say to his unfaithful mother, “Refrain tonight, and that shall lend a kind of easiness, to the next abstinence; the next more easy, for use can almost change the stamp of nature. And either [master] the devil or throw him out with wondrous potency” (The Portable Shakespeare, Penguin 1977, p. 82). Shakespeare was aware that doing is the key to becoming. Thomas Aquinas thought in a similar vein when he cited Aristotle’s axiom that: “Like acts cause like habits” (Summa Theologica Ia IIae q.52. art. 3). Our actions lead to our habits, the ways that we will usually function.

Having posed the problems in some detail, what is the Catholic understanding of human relationships?

Human beings are fundamentally relational
The one thing that the very diminished views of human relationships do demonstrate is that the question of relationship between human beings is enormously complex. Each diminished approach does focus on one aspect but to the exclusion of so many others. Only a global view such as that offered by Catholicism (and Catholic does mean global!) can present the richness and vitality of human relationships.

The global view is centered on the fact that relationship is fundamental to being human. Man is made in the image and likeness of God (Gen. 1:26-27). And relating to others in love is one of the most important ways in which we image the glorious God because God’s very nature is loving relationship. The divine Trinity is a community of persons who are only distinguished by relation (Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica Ia q. 29 art. 4). The Father is Father because he is eternally giving life to the Son. The Son is Son because he is eternally receiving life from the Father. Father and Son eternally breathe the Spirit. The Spirit is Spirit because he is eternally being breathed by the Father and the Son. And this relational God has created us for relationship and we only are who we are through relating. This means that relating is intrinsic to who we are. It is not something that is only important when we are interested in relating or conditions are conducive. The corollary to imaging a God of loving relationships is that only by relating to others in love do we reach our fullness as human beings. Of course this is only achieved through the grace of Jesus Christ because our love is limited by our sinfulness (Luke 11:12).

Relating to others in Christ
Our lives are not projects independent of God. Ignatius of Loyola was very concerned about this problem: “I must not shape or draw the end to the means but the means to the end. Many, for example, first choose marriage, which is a means, and secondarily choose to serve God our Lord. . . . These individuals do not go straight to God, but want God to come straight to their inordinate attachments”(The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, Image Books, 1964, p. 83). Ignatius is not calling marriage inordinate; rather he is saying “seek first the kingdom of God” and then marriage will become fully realized because of that first choice.

The reality is that we have been created as part of the infinite loving act of creation. But creation is not directionless. And creation is not waiting for us to assign a purpose to it. Creation is to bring something into being that can be a recipient of God’s love. That is us. Now because of sin, we are only able to respond to God’s communication by joining with God’s Word. Our alienation is only overcome in Christ. And in Christ we can call upon God as Father.

Joining to the communication of God in Christ is not a neutral activity. It is not simply something for us as if we are the end of the process. The end of the process is the bringing of the whole of creation into the loving embrace of God through the Son in the Holy Spirit. The power to do this lies in the life, death and resurrection of Christ. But as we know, the mission of Christ is not over. It has to unfold in history until the end of time. And only then will God be all in all. Relationships become so crucially important because they are the fabric of history and very particularly they are the fabric of this history of salvation. It is the weaving of this fabric of relationships that manifests the glory of God. The finite has a beautiful and irreplaceable part to play in manifesting the infinite. Our relationships matter! “In so far as you did this to one of the least of these brothers of mine you did it to me” (Matt 25:40).

Relationship as the unveiling of truth
Living out relationships in Christ has a specific structure. Four basic elements of this structure were laid out by Hans Urs von Balthasar in his work Theologik I:Wahrheit der Welt (Einsiedeln: Johannes Verlag, 1985) which has yet to be translated into English. I will simply expand on the philosophical points which he makes there and locate them in the Christian framework that we have already seen.

1. The unfolding of the truth of life is mysterious
   The foundation for what he has to say is that a human being is mysterious. This is not surprising since persons are images of the mysterious God. And the beauty of mystery means that relationship is a complex and enchanting reality. To say that human beings are mysterious does not mean that we are irrational. But it does mean that we only start the journey of understanding human beings by relating to them. The relation of one spouse to another means always standing before the mystery of the other and being open to the truth that is being unveiled there.

   The fact that human beings are mysterious means that there are not simply five (or n) steps to relationship. If we consider marriage as an example, a spouse can never say “I have done the six things that I needed to do to make this marriage work and so my work is done.” Much of any relationship is out of our control because it is in the hands of the other person. We cannot force a relationship into a schedule or set limits on how available we are and yet still claim to be committed to a relationship. Parents with a newborn child learn this very quickly. The little bundle of joy may need attention at two in the morning and the only planning that can be done is who will get up. But that someone will get up and care for the child should not be in question.

   Disponibility before the mystery of life is at the heart of this point. Many experts consulted by the media after the Littleton School shootings said quite simply that parents have to spend more time with their children. This merely echoes the Catholic Church’s insistence that we all answer to a higher reality of which we are only a part. The Catholic Church teaches that the whole of humanity does have a way of operating that is God-given (we call it the natural law) and committing ourselves to that way of functioning leads to a rich life precisely because it is life as God intended it to be.

2. The unveiling of truth takes place in love
   Von Balthasar’s second point is that people come to know themselves in and through other people. This is because there is no way in which we can objectify ourselves completely and know ourselves simply by our own reflection. We are mysteries even to ourselves.

   On the other hand the depths of who we are, are not simply available to be plundered by passers-by. The truth of who we are is only manifest in love and then most often only to people who love us. Where there is no love, then truth is lost. Von Balthasar says that there are truths that are “destroyed by their destination” (Theologik I, p.107). People who are unworthy simply do not see the truth of the other person. In the parable of the Good Samaritan, the “Samaritan traveler . . . was moved with compassion”(Luke 10:33) when he saw the man who had been beaten and robbed. Because he looked with love, he saw the truth. He saw the infinite value (in God’s eyes) of the man who had been mugged. There were a number of people in the parable who did not see this truth. They simply passed by.

   The sad emptiness of the school shootings around the country shows how little the perpetrators valued the victims. A person has been created as a unique irreplaceable dialogue partner of God. This is an awesome truth. It could stop some of the killing if it were well accepted. And it would give glory to God by recognizing his handiwork. Then the true meaning of “thou shalt not kill” would become more obvious.

   In addition, von Balthasar argues that human beings can only recognize others as brothers and sisters to the degree that they discover that they themselves are called into being by God and addressed by him. This has to do with seeing things as they really are and God has to help us to do this. St. Francis’s experience with the leper is a classic illustration of this. Francis finally summoned up the courage to embrace a leper. This was an action that had filled him with revulsion for a long time. And he spoke afterwards of the sweetness of that encounter. The experiences of Mother Teresa are similar. One of her oft repeated sayings was to the effect that she had to see the poor in the Eucharist at Mass. And she had to see Jesus Christ in each poor person whom she met in the street. These holy people show us what we miss because we do not live in holiness. They are showing us the true power of love in Christ.

3. Love and faith are intimately connected
   Here von Balthasar is speaking of love for the other person and faith in the other person. Faith and love bring a wonderful dynamic into play. The one who loves the other sees who the other person can really be in faith. Christ’s encounter with Zacchaeus (Luke 19) shows the Christian completion of this fact. Christ approached Zacchaeus with love and had faith that he would respond in kind. Zacchaeus’s response was “I am going to give half of my property to the poor and if I have cheated anybody I will pay him back four times”(Luke 19:8). Jesus sums up what happened by saying “salvation has come to this house”(Luke 19:9). This is the real meaning of salvation. Zacchaeus has learned how to love because he has been believed in and loved. His striving to make good what he has done echoes the principle that von Balthasar states in another of his writings: “Love can never give itself sufficiently, can never exhaust its ingenuity in preparing new joys for the beloved, is never satisfied with itself and its deeds”(Christian State of Life, Ignatius Press, 1983, p. 28).

   If we reflect on the one who is loved, then we find that they experience another’s faith in them. They see life in a way that they would never have dreamed possible. In being loved they come to a new truth about themselves. Their horizons are opened up beyond what they can see from within their own sinfulness. If a person did not enter the relationship or if they cut off the relationship then this discovery does not take place. Vatican II was convinced that “man by his very nature stands completely in need of life in society” (Gaudium et Spes 25). Society is essential to human development. Social cliques cut across this natural human dynamic and people caught up in the cliques either by being included or excluded are limited in their development to full humanity.

   The final point here is that the realization of the loved one’s new image is ultimately the realization of what God had in mind for that person. When he meets Zacchaeus, Jesus says that he “has come to seek out and save what was lost”(Luke 19:10). He has found Zacchaeus and called him to a new life. In marriage the new concrete entity that is created by the blessed union of man and wife is not simply a new social unit, but rather a concrete representation of the union between Christ and his Church with all that means in terms of love and faith and a mission to the world. As Vatican II summed it up: “Inspired by the example and family prayer of their parents, children and in fact everyone living under the family roof, will more easily set out upon the path of a truly human training, of salvation and of holiness”(Gaudium et Spes 25). A true humanity comes about through the experience of all that makes up the family relationship. When this happens then a family does not remain closed in on itself but has a natural openness to the world. The family becomes the engine of transformation of the society around it.

4. Love has its way of bringing the truth about
   As we have discovered, people only come to the fullness of who they are called to be in Christ through love. But love has its own peculiar dynamic. Christ demonstrated this dynamic in its fullness. On the one hand he said: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide” (John 15:16). But on the other hand, he had to die to bring this about: “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit”(John 12:24). This is the Christian mystery. It is one that embraces suffering and hardship and embarrassment and inconvenience. It includes the unexpected calls upon us and the results that only come about through great labor. The story of St. Monica is a fitting example. She suffered the grief of a mother who knew the sinful life of her son and she prayed constantly for him. And after a long struggle he finally discovered the truth of Jesus Christ.

   The issue of time is all important here. John Paul II says in The Gospel of Life that “life in time . . . is a process which, unexpectedly and undeservedly, is enlightened by the promise and renewed by the gift of divine life, which will reach its full realization in eternity. . . . It remains a sacred reality . . . to be preserved with a sense of responsibility and brought to perfection in love and in the gift of ourselves to God and to our brothers and sisters”(Art. 2). This is the central reason why abortion and euthanasia are intrinsically evil actions. They deny people the time to love and be loved, to continue their conversion and be joined to Christ. They deny people the chance to experience love.

   Human relationships are a wonder that reflects the wonder of a God who is pure relationship. The theological understanding of relationships opens us to God and each other in the grace of Jesus Christ. Then the Holy Father’s call for working toward peaceful relationships in this Jubilee Year follows quite logically. In his announcement of the World Day of Peace, he said: “The building up of peace involves: . . . parents who are examples and witnesses of peace in their families, and who educate their children for peace; . . . teachers who are able to pass on the genuine values present in every field of knowledge and in the historical and cultural heritage of humanity; . . . working men and women, who are committed to extending their age-old struggle for the dignity of work to those present-day situations which, at the international level, cry out for justice and solidarity; . . . political leaders who put at the heart of their own political activity and of that of their countries a firm and unwavering determin ation to promote peace and justice”(Art. 21). But at the heart of all of these actions lie relationships.

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