Letter to a nephew on fornication
By Frederick W. Marks

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your welcome letter. It was interesting to hear what you had to say about your job as a young attorney, how you feel like a "hired gun for large companies" and the work not being "ultra-exciting." You graduated from one of the nation's top law schools and work for a prestigious firm. Yet you sound bored. Pardon me for saying that I'm not surprised, given your character profile. I would not be "Uncle Fred" if I didn't urge you once more to consider the priesthood. It may not be more "exciting" than the law at all times-life in general is grueling-but I can assure you that you'd be a "hired gun" for God and that your work would be ultra-important, ultra-needed, and ultra-satisfying in terms of retirement benefits!

You describe your girlfriend as a "slave to the grind" of medicine and things in general as "not too exciting." I wonder why. Life becomes exciting the moment one dedicates it entirely to God.

If I may be so bold as to slip in another piece of unsolicited advice, it is very important, if you are dating the same girl for any length of time, to avoid getting physically involved to the point of compromising your spiritual rectitude and the joy of conscious integrity, as well as your future (I will explain). Many people these days live unmarried with a member of the opposite sex. They have their reasons, of course, and at the risk of writing an article, instead of a letter, I shall attempt to refute them ad seriatim:

(1) "Cohabitation will test our compatibility as a couple." According to statistics, forty percent of those who cohabit never marry. But more to the point, of those that do, the divorce rate is fifty to seventy percent higher than it is for those who practice chastity before taking vows. Sex outside of marriage can't come anywhere near simulating the conditions of marital union because the two situations are radically different, with different responsibilities, different expectations, different commitments, and an entirely different psychological "feel." One's mate outside marriage is apt to appear more attractive (or less so) than he or she would be wearing a wedding band. Just as apples and oranges are similar in shape but not in taste, so too with licit and illicit sex. Sin is never a good place to discover the truth. Besides, it is rare that two people who love one another for the right reasons and who are compatible in other ways turn out to have serious physiological problems.

Cohabitation is plain sinful, for lack of a better word. It's called "fornication" in the Bible and mentioned many times. Apart from the spiritual sanction upheld by all great religious traditions, it is counterproductive from a purely secular standpoint because it undermines self-mastery, the one trait that is absolutely necessary for a good marriage. Matrimony, under the best of circumstances, is rough sledding-why do you think there is so much divorce? As such, it requires more virtue and constancy in many respects than consecrated celibacy. Quoting St. Francis de Sales, it is "a perpetual exercise in mortification," and the time to prepare is before marriage, not after. Fornication is a training ground for adultery, not marriage, and in the long run, it undermines the self-respect of both parties.

(2) "We feel good about ourselves." You have a pink inside feeling? Well let me tell you something: it is illusory. It won't last, and it most assuredly will not lead to what you want. Sin can only lead, in the long run, to depression, notwithstanding momentary gratification. Why do you think the teenage suicide rate has soared so unbelievably in recent years, just about doubling in the decade of the 1980's (Wall Street Journal, 11/4/94, B1)?

(3) "Cohabitation saves money." Not in the long run. Divorce, a fairly common outcome, is as costly as anything around. Moreover, if a person has any kind of religious conscience, he or she will have to pay back every last cent saved, plus a lot more, for willful violation of God's law-i.e., charity will be the ultimate beneficiary. Zacchaeus of gospel fame reimbursed all whom he had defrauded fourfold. And so it will be with fornicators who economize by living in a state of mortal sin.

(4) "Everyone is doing it." Not everyone. It may appeal to many of your peers, perhaps a majority. It may even pave the way to professional advancement. Fornication and cohabitation are undeniably chic in the eyes of those on the fast track. But ask yourself this: who rules society? Who shapes social mores? Who are the "powers that be"? Do you find them admirable? Where are they headed? Did Christ not warn that the gate to the kingdom of heaven is narrow? Is our society one we can be proud of with all of its reliance upon shrinks, addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, suicide, illegitimacy and divorce (we have the world's highest rates). Are you going to permit such a society to lead you by the nose when it comes to matters of right and wrong?

Think about it. If there were a village somewhere in the world with a life expectancy of twenty-three and where four out of six infants died before reaching the age of five, would you want to adopt its diet and imitate its customs? If you believe it makes any sense in a culture such as ours to attempt to be "one of the crowd," then by all means go to it. But hopefully, you are not "everyone." Hopefully, you will have second thoughts before setting yourself up for a life of disillusionment which seems to be more and more the common lot.

(5) "Cohabitation is the only way to secure a desirable mate when the prospect of marriage is nil for the time being." In other words, you feel under pressure to forge a close physical bond. Question: is your relationship meant to be so secure before marriage? Where is your trust in divine providence? I have known people who waited chastely for years without formal engagement. If it is meant to be, no power or earth can prevent two people from coming together. Not temporary separation, not lovers' quarrels, nor competition from outside beaux. One of the best ways of testing compatibility is to see how well a relationship stands up under adversity. Girls often think that fornication and, if necessary, cohabitation is the way to "get" a boy and so they make use of their formidable powers of attraction. They are sadly mistaken, of course; and in many cases, when cohabitation fails to do the trick, they announce pregnancy. This forces a choice: set an immediate date for marriage, accept an illegitimate child, or abort (murder) the fetus.

(6) "We're not really hurting anyone." Is that so? It is well known that cohabitation leaves deep psychological scars, and not only on the couple. I've personally seen parents reduced to tears at the news of a child on this track. They are hurt, anxious, and worried. Often they feel guilty. Their offspring, so carefully guarded for so many years, are in grave danger of wrecking their life, along with the life of another. Artificial contraception is a virtual necessity for the fornicator, and it has unpleasant side effects. Many forms of contraception are, as you know, abortifacients (i.e., they kill after conception). Artificial contraception is condemned by scripture, as well as the Church, and it must be backed up by abortion. Again, we are into murder. For the effects of contraception and abortion on women, see P.S. I and II at the end of my letter. Not hurting anyone? You've got to be kidding.

And how about the scandal? Even if fifty percent of today's youth regard cohabitation matter-of-factly, and even if only five percent, let us say, would not fornicate under any circumstances, what about the forty-five percent on the margin who could go either way and who might be swayed by what you personally choose to do or not to do? Scandal is a terrible thing, and again, roundly condemned by scripture.

Furthermore, what are you going to do when your daughter comes home one day at the age of sixteen and says her boyfriend wants to bed down? Will you tell her it is wrong when you and mother did the very same thing (she will assure you that her current date is the only man she will ever love)? Will you speak with conviction? Can you really say, "It's OK at twenty-six, but not at sixteen"?

Consider, too, the question of reputation. Suppose, as is fairly likely, your relationship breaks up before marriage. Have you not lost something important? Can you ever give yourself in quite the same way to anyone else? How many decent men and women, if they had their druthers, would choose to marry someone who is "used merchandise," someone who has been committed in such a way and to such a degree to another? Even flaming liberals can appreciate the charm of innocence-and choose it. My wife and I would prefer not to know about past liaisons, however casual, involving third parties prior to our acquaintance, let alone cohabiting partners (if such ever existed). True love is jealous, and rightly so.

Most important of all, you want to be able to say on hindsight if you marry that you were completely free in deciding to wed. If you slip or slither into your union, if you see your marriage on hindsight as something "owed" rather than freely bestowed, it will make it that much more difficult to persevere through difficult times. Interestingly enough, it is those who are most honorable in certain respects, those who try hardest to fulfill their responsibilities and keep their word, who are most easily dragooned into marriage when they hear the argument, "you owe it to me." Marriage must never be something that is "owed."

(7) "The Catholic pulpit and the Catholic media are mum on the subject. So why all the fuss?" Answer: the American Church is in a momentary state of paralysis-call it inertia, if you will. This is why good priests are so desperately needed. But make no mistake about it. Anyone who reads the 1994 Catechism, anyone who peruses the messages of the magisterium, in particular the statements of the Holy Father, will be crystal clear that fornication and cohabitation are not only wrong but extremely wrong and fraught with danger. The Church as a human organization is subject to tides of public opinion. It craves human respect. Peter denied Christ. Judas betrayed his master (and he was the equivalent of a cardinal). Did this make it right? The Church of Pergamum, at the time of St. Paul, was rebuked by St. John for condoning fornication (Rev. 2:15), and we are suffering today from a severe case of "Pergamism." St. John, in the same book, chides the church of Thyatira for tolerating a loose woman notorious for seducing men into fornication and adultery.

Fornication is denounced, directly and indirectly, at least 14 times in the Book of Revelation alone. So neither the practice nor the problem is new (e.g., Rev. 2:15, 20-23; 21:8; 22:15). St. Paul reminds us that 23,000 Israelites were slain by the Lord for fornication (1 Cor. 10:8) and states solemnly that "neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor sodomites, nor thieves . . . will possess the kingdom of God" (1 Cor. 6:9-10). The Bible is unequivocal.

Today's priests, ministers, and rabbis will have to answer on the day of judgment for their silence in the face of so grave an evil. How would we feel if a doctor, called to the home of a man dying of malaria, spent hours upon arrival discoursing on the benefits of health food while ignoring the victim of the dread disease? Men of the cloth are doctors of the soul.

(8) "It's too late to change. We're committed." It is never too late. St. Augustine came to his senses late in life and sped to the heights of sanctity once he decided to live uprightly. It is never too late to call a halt to immorality, go to confession, and do penance. God's best love is always on tap for those wise enough and humble enough to reach for it.

By this time, my dear Thomas, I'm sure you are wondering why I run on and on about such a matter. It is because you will come under pressure, if such is not already the case, to cohabit. Sooner or later, if you date enough girls, you will run into one who, for one reason or another, is open to fornication, if not positively encouraging. You'd make a great catch, whether in matrimony or Holy Orders. All I'm saying is be on the lookout and don't fall for premarital sex. And if you do fall for it, pick yourself up and resume living like a man-a good man. Every day dealt to us by the Lord is a new life to do with as we please. And we never know if there will be another.

I didn't mean to get carried away, Thomas, and to write an article instead of a letter. Really I didn't! But you know me by now, and you know what happens when I get wound up. Forgive me for the earnestness with which I address young men who announce "girlfriends" of long standing. God love you.

Yours as ever,

Uncle Fred

P.S. I - The Side Effects of Contraception:

Increased depression, irritability, and reduced libido. Contraception is also linked with sterility and mental imbalance in women. Barrier methods subject the woman to a higher risk of preeclampsia (it used to be called toxemia), a mysterious disease and leading cause of morbidity, intrauterine growth retardation, and prenatal mortality. Hormone contraception (OC) causes blood vessel tumors in the lower coronaries, high blood pressure, clotting (strokes), skin pigmentation, gum bleeding, jaundice, baldness, sterility, depression, herpes, loss of libido, visual defects, problems with breast feeding, and more. Intrauterine devices tend to cause excessive bleeding, perforation of the uterus, and pelvic inflammatory disease (see H. P. Dunn, M.D., The Doctor and Christian Marriage, 1992, pp. 62-70).

Women have been known to die from using the pill, and they are still dying. It has been linked with heart disease and an increase in certain kinds of cancer. Fifty percent stop using it eventually due to unpleasant side effects such as irritability, depression, weight gain, and loss of libido.

P.S. II - Facts on Abortion:

Thirty million infants have been slaughtered in the womb within the past forty years in this country alone, making the United States the world's leader in abortion. It is the worst of all industrial democracies at protecting the unborn.

95% of all abortions are for convenience -i.e., less than 5% involve rape, incest, or danger to the life of the mother. 40% are repeat performances involving the same mother (New York Times, 8/26/92, p. A23).

Catholic opposition to legalized abortion is based on scripture and the unanimous condemnation accorded it by the Church. But it is also based on the impact of abortion rights on youth. No less a self-proclaimed liberal on sexual matters than the Alan Guttmacher Institute has admitted that abortion rights have increased teenager pregnancy (Wall Street Journal, 8/9/94, p. A13).

Nor is this to mention the physical and emotional effects on mothers whose babies are aborted. Don Feder, in his enlightening volume, A Jewish Conservative Looks at Pagan America (1993), calls attention to some of the physical complications: a Canadian study of 84,000 teenage abortions revealed laceration of the cervix (in 12% of cases), hemorrhage (8%), infections (7%), and a perforated uterus (4%). Abortion has even been known to cause clotting and strokes (Feder, pp. 185-86).

U.S. News and World Report (11/7/94, p. 70) indicated that women who have undergone abortions stood a 50% greater chance of developing breast cancer.

The most common emotional disturbances resulting from abortion are guilt, sadness, depression, anger, lowered self-esteem, suicidal urges, emotional numbness, and sexual problems. Dr. Anne Speckhard, Ph.D., in her study on Post-Abortion Syndrome, found the following psychological effects on women: hallucinations (23%), perceived visitation from the aborted child (35%), nightmares (54%), feelings of "craziness" (69%), preoccupation with the aborted child (81%). Speckhard found further that 61% increased their use of alcohol, 65% had thoughts of suicide, 69% were sexually inhibited, 77% experienced an inability to communicate, and 81% experienced frequent crying.

According to Dr. Bernard Nathanson, a leading Ob-Gyn doctor, the number of serious complications from abortion every year in the United States runs in the thousands. Gynecologists themselves are only now becoming fully aware of the risks.

Scripture furnishes a wide range of quotations indicating where the Lord stands on the issue of when human life begins, and hence what constitutes murder: Psalm 71:6: "From my mother's womb you are my strength." St. Paul, Galatians 1:15-16, refers to God as "Him who from my mother's womb set me apart and called me by his grace." Luke tells us that John the Baptist was so "filled with the Holy Spirit from his mother's womb" that he "leapt" at the approach of the pregnant Mary (1:15, 41 and 44-it is mentioned twice). n