By Love Refined:
Letters to a Young Bride
by Alice von Hildebrand
Sophia Institute Press
207 pp., $14.95
800-888-9344

“At last, your deep longing is fulfilled: to love a man, to be loved by him, and to be freely bound to him in marriage ‘until death do you part.’” So begins By Love Re fined: Letters to a Young Bride, by Alice von Hildebrand. Dr. von Hil debrand stresses that marriage is “the most complete, the most in tense, and the most beautiful relationship possible between two human beings.” Her book is written as a series of letters to Julie, dating from right after Julie’s marriage until about two and a half years later. How many of us wish for a close confidant, with whom to share the disappointments and concerns of a marriage, knowing that she will always have a word of encouragement to help us along. By reading this book, we can get a sense of that closeness. We can ac cept the criticism and advice grace fully, because it is not directed to us, but to Julie.

Throughout the book, Dr. von Hildebrand reminds us about the important things in marriage. It is not enough merely to live side by side, day in and day out, living by habit. In fact, Dr. von Hildebrand says, living merely by habit is exactly what you should not do. If you live by habit, you come to take your marriage and your spouse for granted. She explains how important it is to not to do so. “But desirable as habits are in practical life, they can be disastrous in marriage. When you’re ruled by habit, you make the same gestures and you accomplish the same tasks - but they’re empty because you aren’t fully attentive as you do them. . . .Daily, you should try to shake off spiritual habits and realize anew what a tremendous gift your marriage to Michael is, how you pined for it, how impatient you were, how despondent you were when you feared it would never be granted to you.”

Dr. von Hildebrand explains that many problems in marriage, and in other relationships, stem from not valuing people for who they are. “I think, however, that one widespread modern attitude ag gravates our difficulties in marriage and in all our other relationships: lack of reverence. I don’t mean lack of reverence for God. I also mean lack of reverence for other persons and even for things: the failure to recognize the inner nobility and worth of persons and things which leads to the failure to treat them with the deep, tender respect that is due to them.” She explains that the reverent person has the right attitude towards people and towards God. “The ir reverent person, on the contrary, approaches others with a basically self-center ed attitude. He views the world as a means for his personal satisfaction.” Dr. von Hilde brand cautions that we must be on guard against irreverence, and strive to be always reverent of our spouses.

I first read this book after re ceiving it as a wedding gift. Yet there is a great benefit to reading a book like this after being married for a time. For the newlywed, this book serves as a guide, a glimpse of the upcoming work of marriage. When you are first married, you may not even expect to have to face these problems, and may overlook some of the powerful advice given. However, once you have been married for several years (or even only almost two!), you will be able to recognize these problems in your own marriage, and begin seeking solutions.

Dr. von Hildebrand does an excellent job of emphasizing that marriage does indeed take work. Both spouses, she explains, need to be willing to make compromises, and to act in love. Von Hilde brand demonstrates that it is love in ac tion, and not merely a feeling, that will keep the marriage going. “In order for your marriage to be truly happy (and a successful marriage is always a happy one), every thing — absolutely everything you and Michael do — must be motivated by love and related to the great human purpose of your life - your marriage to each other - even when this love isn’t felt.” So many people give up on their marriages because they are not willing to work at them. The arguments are generally some variation of the “fell out of love” excuse. These people equate romance with love, and when they wake up one day and do not “feel” in love any more, they bail out of their marriages. Husbands and wives need to take a hard look at their marriage, and acknowledge that there is work do be done to maintain a loving relationship. Regardless of how they may feel on a given day, they have pledged themselves to each other until death. “Here your will is most important, for any authentic love must be confirmed by many acts of the will which sustain us when — for whatever reason — our feelings wane.”

Dr. von Hildebrand emphasizes the role of sacrificial love in marriage. She explains that sacrifices within marriages can nurture love. So, wives, perhaps for a happier marriage you can go to a ball game with your husband, even if you hate sports. Husbands, perhaps you can suffer quietly at a ballet or opera that your wife has been dying to go to. Quietly is the key word here, though. “Adver tising sacrifices is a poor way to make them.” Dr. von Hildebrand found that when she adopted a loving attitude she often developed an interest in what had previously seemed so boring to her. Yet, even if you continue to hate sports or the arts, as Von Hilde brand asks, “Is it such a sacrifice to be with the person you love most?”

Although addressed to a wo man, the advice in this book would also be helpful to a man. Some of the topics seem to be specifically oriented to the woman reader, but overall there is plenty of advice for both women and men. The topics occasionally seem a little disjointed, but that is to be expected, given the genre. Certainly, that does not keep Dr. von Hildebrand from be ing able to make her points strongly. How ever, as wonderful as her advice is, it is lacking something. Dr. von Hildebrand does emphasize the spiritual life throughout her letters, but there is little em phasis on the best ways to bring us closer to God— Confes sion and the Most Holy Eucharist. Still this is not to deny that By Love Refined has wonderful advice for the newlywed, and the not-so-newlywed alike.