COLUMN

LEARNING TO TALK

by Laura Garcia

It's tempting to think that if we've turned our children over to others for a portion of their day, we're absolved of the responsibility to oversee their education or even to have an opinion about it. But we must resist this temptation with all our might, especially when our children are learning about human love and sexuality.

Every parent home schools. It's what parents do. Even parents no longer living in the home are home schooling. We parade our values, our virtues and vices, and our views on virtually everything before our children day after day. The teaching is constant and inevitable; the only questions are (1) whether it will go on deliberately or by default, and (2) what its content will be.

It's tempting to think that if we've turned our children over to others for a portion of their day, we're absolved of the responsibility to oversee their education or even to have an opinion about it. But we must resist this temptation with all our might, especially when our children are learning about human love and sexuality. Parents notoriously find speaking to their children on this topic about as attractive as having a root canal, but like the latter, there are times when it simply has to be done. In a recent document on The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, the Pontifical Council for the Family reminds us of the Holy Father's teaching that "Sex education, which is a basic right and duty of parents, must always be carried out under their attentive guidance, whether at home or in educational centers chosen and controlled by them." The Council adds: "if in fact parents do not give adequate formation in chastity, they are failing in their precise duty. Likewise, they would also be guilty were they to tolerate immoral or inadequate formation being given to their children outside the home" (no. 43).

Fortunately, the Church has no intention of leaving parents on their own in this important task. The document goes on to offer guidelines for promoting the right understanding of love, of personal vocation, and of the place of sacrifice and self-giving in every human vocation. Among these practical suggestions are: (1) "Parents must find time to be with their children and take time to talk with them" (no. 50); (2) "Parents should be watchful so that certain immoral fashions and attitudes do not violate the integrity of the home, especially through the use of the mass media," including television and videos (no. 56); (3) Information given to our children about sexuality must be given to them individually, respecting each one's needs and level of maturity (no. 65); (4) The moral dimension must always be presented as well, including an emphasis on the positive value of chastity in enabling one to love in marriage or in virginity (no. 68).

Fortunate parents may find that their local parish or parochial school offers educational programs that fully capture the beauty of magisterial teaching on these topics. But for the rest, "it is recommended that parents attentively follow every form of sex education that is given to their children outside the home, removing their children whenever this education does not correspond to their own principles" (no. 117). Given the present level of toxicity in our culture, it's impossible to imagine a parent who isn't called upon constantly to address the challenges and distortions bombarding our children from every direction. Our lives remain more important than our words, but we need the gift of tongues as well. If we are at a loss for what to say, or if we find ourselves rusty on the Church's teaching, the document under discussion is a great place to begin (a mere 95 pages and available from Pauline Books for $2.95).

Parents who fail to enter into the confidence of their children in this important area may conclude that they haven't taught them anything about "the facts of life." But the truth is that they have taught them a great deal - that there's something suspicious or perhaps even shameful about sex; that the topic isn't particularly important or that they as children aren't important enough to hear about it; that their parents agree with whatever the prevailing culture thinks about sexuality; and so on. If actions speak louder than words, it's also true that omissions are actions. The good news is that Christian parents can draw upon the Sacrament of Marriage, which enriches every mother and father with "wisdom, counsel, fortitude and all other gifts of the Holy Spirit in order to help the children in their growth as human beings and as Christians" (Familiaris Consortio, no. 38). We can trust the same Holy Spirit, the true Teacher of our children, to make up for any defects in our educational efforts, and to enable us to live before the watchful eyes of our children a life worthy of Christ's call to holiness.

Laura Garcia, a regular Catholic Dossier columnist, is professor of philosophy at Rutgers University.